Thursday, December 28, 2006

A Series of Unfortunate Events

So life realizes that it's bored again and decides it wants to fuck with me. Again. For entertainment value.

Let's start at point A, shall we? Point A being Christmas day, which is where everything went downhill. Actually, the downhill trek began in small, imperceptible baby steps a week or so before Christmas.

Because my as-good-as-dead colleagues haven't returned from their vacations on the dates they stated in their leave applications, I've been putting in 12 hours a day at work for the past 2 weeks which is why:
- I couldn't spend as much time as I wanted with a friend before he left for good
- I didn't have time to wax and I now look like Sasquatch after a year in hibernation
- I haven't been sleeping right
- I couldn't do anything about the Mother of All Hangovers which lasted 2 whole days after Christmas eve (I staggered through work on both days)
- Also because of my long hours at work, I haven't had the time to shop for something to wear to the New Year's party I'm supposed to go to.
- I've been trying on clothes that I already own and have realized just how much weight I've put on. Snarl.

Ah, but look at me. I'm still standing, still rolling with the punches and still going with the flow. Brava signorina!

Yeah, whatever. Fuck it. I'm getting drunk as a skunk on New Year's.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Michael Bublé doing Johnny Cash & Michael Jackson

This is just cute.


This is my Christmas tree. From top to bottom.

I'm so freaking proud of it. It turned out really great this year.

I love Christmas. Even though I don't believe, it's my favourite time of the year.

I don't care what it originally stands for, I love it because it's pretty and warm.

It's the one time of year that I will go to Church without too much of a fuss.

But that's only to make my parents happy. It's hard for them to accept atheist children.

This year, my sister and I slipped out of midnight mass and drank coffee in a nearby restaurant. We made it back to church just as my parents were coming out and did our best to look radiant and blessed.

But now, 2 days since then, I'm still nursing a bastard of a hangover.

Do they sell Alka-Seltzer in Kuwait?

Also, this (below) is my favourite Christmas tree hanging. I bought a boxful at IKEA a couple of years ago. I haven't seen them anywhere since. GIMME!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Au revoir, mon ami, mon amour.

I thought I cried because

I was sad because

I was lonely because

You left me behind.

I cried because

I was sad because

I was lonely because

I had to leave you behind.

And move on.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Who da man?

30 minutes after I stepped into the work place, I was

- Checking mail (work AND personal)

- Burning 12 copies of a particular DVD

- Playing a fast-paced game of Literati

- Talking to my mother on the phone

- Thinking of the noisiest way to wake Le Garçon up

- Listening to Sade's Jezebel

- Reading up on Stem Cell Research

- Drinking a piping hot tea

... all at the same time.

A moment of a day in the life of me, multi-taskeur extraordinaire.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Yes, No or Maybe?

I hate to admit it, but Greg Behrendt might just have been onto something when he said "He's just not that into you".

A friend and I were waiting in the car last night, freezing our butts off, while Le Garçon and Princess Boy were shopping for toys (don't ask). We got to talking about girl stuff, as is bound to be the case when 2 women get 5 seconds of privacy.

It occurred to us how our idea of "The One" had changed since we were little girls.

When you're 14 and have just discovered that boys are not icky after all, you're full of hope and love and great expectations.
Surely there was a young, handsome, well-mannered boy out there that liked romantic music, slow dancing, walks on the beach and shoe-shopping. Wasn't there?

And then you get to 21 and are just horny. All he has to be is straight and not smell like a sewer rat.

By 25 though, you've kinda been everywhere and done it all. If you're lucky enough to not be married or pregnant already, you're ready to slow it down a little. Common ground and conversation suddenly become more important. Flashy cars and expensive restaurants are nice enough, but laughter and like-mindedness suddenly take on a whole new charm.

And then she said "But one day, you meet someone that doesn't meet a single one of your criterion. Not one. But something clicks, and you just know that he's The One."

Under her breath she muttered "And then it just doesn't work out."

I explained that even though most people and self-help books would tell you to just remember the good times and be happy, I personally found it more helpful to think of all the times you wanted to rip his head from his body and feed it to the sharks. It helps to think of all the crap you WOULDN'T have to live with.

"But what if the only bad thing that happened was that it didn't work out?"

"Then" I said, "that's his biggest fault of all. That he was fool enough to let you go even though you were so great together."

I bet she thought I was being naive.

She said "It doesn't work that way, Ri. Sometimes there are 'circumstances'"


Then, in a (rare) moment of absolute brilliance, I replied "I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but that's just total crap. If he wanted it enough, it would have happened. You just weren't what he wanted most of all. If both people in a relationship, *NOT* just one of them, want it to work bad enough, fuck everyone and everything else, it will. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to move on.
The idea of 'circumstances' is like God. They're both comforting thoughts, but they both don't exist."

Saturday, December 09, 2006

So close! @#%$^@%&!

By the third week of my boss being on vacation and leaving me in charge of the workplace, I was bursting with pride and self-confidence. Everything had gone smoothly...more or less. A few glitches along the way (refer to previous post, thank you) wasn't enough to make it a catastrophic disaster.

But then the 4th week happened and, in spite of having one of the best weekends ever (*glint*), without warning, everything came down around me at work and poo poo -really- hit the fan.

He's back today, and I've braced myself for a huge, smelly shitstorm.

I'm not worried. It's not like he can do without me or anything. MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

Thursday, November 30, 2006


If you were driving in Khaldiya, on the main road, and passed the corner of Block 1, you probably saw a girl, pacing up and down on the side walk, waving one hand wildly in the air, the other hand holding a phone that she was screaming obsceneties obscenities into, choking on her rage from time to time and finally storming off in tears of murderous anger.

That was me.

The person responsible for that did the only smart thing that day by staying in the car when he finally showed up 45 minutes late for a big assignment. If he'd gotten out, you could've visited him today in the casualty ward of Sabah hospital, with a rusty garden rake sticking out of his skull.

When everything was finally ready to roll, I was still shaking with anger. I took my Mary Poppins bag and went into the bathroom to freshen up. When I was done, I realized I hadn't carried any of my perfume. All I had with me was Le Garçon's Polo Black that he had left with me. I took it out and sprayed on just the tiniest bit, aware that it was very strong and masculine.

And as his fragrance wafted up to my nose and I took a deep breath, for the first time that evening, I smiled. Everything was going to be alright.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Pepe Le Pew

I haven't laughed this hard in a long, long time.

I laughed so much, my face started to hurt.

I'm still laughing.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Never, you say?

Last night, as I turned out the lights and walked to my bed in the darkness, something caught my eye. It was a dim, but distintintive green glow coming from a small table at the foot of my bed. Curiousity piqued, I walked towards it with my hand stretched out impatiently in front of me. When I picked it up, I realized what it was.

Glow-in-the dark stars! Not just stars, but also 2 Saturns and a comet with it's tail curving back behind it.

I stood there motionless in the dark, for several moments. Something had just occured to me. I climbed naked into my warm bed, still holding my glowies in my hand.

Right upto that moment, I'd always secretly wished that I'd been in love at least once in my life. Don't get me wrong, I've fallen in and out of forbidden love more times than I can count.

No, what I mean is ... I was thinking how I had never been "The Only One" for anyone. I'd always put myself into impossible relationships where the chances of something permanent were a million to one. It was always 'no strings attached', and that always suited me just fine.

Except that I was wrong. There was this once ...

He was my sister's friend's younger brother. He was six years my junior, so at first, we all laughed it off as a boyish crush.

He wouldn't dare tell me directly, but he'd confided in his sister who told my sister . Big mistake.

But it was there. In his face, when he smiled, when he looked at me, when he heard my name, the softness with which he said my name.

He sent me bars of Kit Kats from his school canteen.

He made excuses to hang out at my house, just so he could be around me.

He got drunk on my birthday, just so he could rest his head on top of mine while we danced (yes, he was a giant) and say "I love you, Ri"

He carried a huge teddy bear past all his friends on Valentine's Day (so brave, and only just 16) to give to my sister to give to me.

He made me cry when he announced that he was over me, and was finally seeing someone his age.

He came back to me, the second he found out that I cried for him.

He held my hand and kissed it 23 times in 3 hours while it was wrapped around him and his little black kitten snored contentedly on my chest.

The other night we spent at their house, I was so fascinated with the constellation of glowy stars on their ceiling, I could barely sleep.

He came home the next week and stuck glowy stars above my bed. A whole constellation of them.

As I lay in my bed 4 years later, a hundred years older and not a second wiser, I held what was left of my glowies close to me. The glue had dried up and most of them got lost when I changed bedrooms. Except for these.

My dear, sweet you. Thank you for loving me the way that you did. It may have just been a boyish crush, and we may have outgrown each other, but for that short while, I was The Only One for you. And for that, I will be forever grateful. Love always, me.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Interestingly enough ....

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then start here and scroll down to the the third video.

Saturday, October 21, 2006


This weekend was ... interesting, to say the least.

I sat triumphantly at a table eating a nicely sauteed calamari and shrimp platter, while everyone else there ate what they later realized was meat from the face of a cow served to them by a waitress whose mole looked like she had a "tick feeding off her nose". BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ahh, the satisfaction of being a vindicated pescatarian.

Too bad my contact lenses started to bug me to the point where I had to throw them away on the way home and was all but blinded for the next 24 hours or so :/

Friday afternoon, I was half way through my second HUGE mug of beer and feeling happily light-headed when I realized that I had to be sober, showered and sexy in the next 15 minutes because I was to accompany Le Garçon while he dropped off his calling card at a few hotels. I barely made it on time, fumbling around the house in obscenely high heels and my uncle's old bifocals that made me look like Harry Potter with boobs. And, and, and ... INSPITE of all the trouble I took, he laughed when he saw me. HE LAUGHED!

Too bad the next time he got out of the car, he tripped, nearly sprained his ankle and was in pain for the rest of the evening.
(Note to Garçon: I'm sorry you were in so much pain. I didn't like watching you limp like that, it was only slightly funny. I'm just pointing out the Karma here.)

I had the best time though, because we laughed so much. On our mission to find a certain form of entertainment, we hobbled around, me half-blind and with my sadistically high heels and him with his sore ankle, both looking like escapees from the nuthouse, being given the runaround by kabayans and unwelcoming hostesses and being sent to the Evangelical Church for redemption. We eventually gave up because he figured that they were "unworthy of our presence".

Best of all though, was we got to spend the day together... which is a very, very rare thing.

On a completely unrelated note, I hope sex is always as much fun as it is now. I never want to get to where it becomes a chore.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Here, here, Richard Dawkins

Forgive my sudden video-happiness, but you've really got to hear Richard Dawkins out. This man is truly fabulous.

Even if you're a devout believer, it's hard to argue with such crisp logic and common sense. I haven't been this excited about anything since Bertrand Russell.

His interview about his new book, "The God Delusion"

The Root of All Evil (takes a while to load, make yourself some green tea with mint)
- Links to other parts of the series are posted on the right side of the video.

The pwnage of Ted Haggard.
(Note to Mr. Dawkins: If you want to put a sharp object in his neck, I'll post bail)

Richard Dawkins, up front on the Banana Boat, please.

Thursday, October 12, 2006


Free Hugs

I'm a sucker for this shit. So bite me.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

All apologies.

My apologies

- Firstly, to my legions and legions of loyal readers. I've been lazy and uninspired lately. I'm sure both of you will understand.

- To my boss. For taking Thursday off. I loved every second of it, but I may have gotten in the way of your little post-lunch "meetings" that your wife never seems to know about.

- To you, the first boy I was ever in love with. Maybe marriage isn't such a bad thing, who knows? Good luck, my friend. You're going to need it. I'll be there. Manning the getaway car, just in case.

- To you that had to wake up to find YOUR nutjob girlfriend on YOUR couch with the creep, drunk and passed out from drinking YOUR alcohol. That was cold. Maybe your wife will kiss your boo boo and make it all better. Oh, and you couldn't dance to save your life. Give it up.

- To you, whose clothes don't fit like they used to. Unfortunately, I know what that feels like. We're going swimming again, even if I have to go CATERPILLAR on your fat ass.

- To you, who I have to work with, 6 days a week, 8 or more hours a day. Your breath smells like a dead cat. Somebody is going to stab you in the face someday. I will point and laugh.

But before I get back to cavorting with rich women that want to look like they didn't really eat a whole cow for breakfast...

Word up

- To first time orgasms, to finding out your exes are sorry they're not with you, to showers, to old friends stuck in traffic on the way home from work, to people that know how to make Moonshine, to people that move house and give away their blinds (which I helped pick *scowl*) for free, to roller coasters and Go-Karts, to getting laid in your bedroom with the music playing on cheap computer speakers AND to moments of clarity when everything falls into place and suddenly, things look like they're going to be alright after all.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006


For some unfathomable reason, all of last week, I was filled with a perverse need for self-inflicted pain.

And I do not mean the "Ooh-that-stings" kind of pain.


I learnt some very valuable lessons too. Among other things:

1. There are no winners of the Ouch game.

2. Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING, not even death, can make a Brazilian wax less painful.

3. Learn from your mistakes. Leave people's phones alone. Some messages are better left unread.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


For the past two days, we've been working on something that requires us to be present at a 3 day long, worship workshop sorta deal for school children.

We don't participate, we just work alongside the actual arena, providing them with a supplementary service which has nothing to do with God.

We work at a hectic pace, trying to finish as much as we can in the 2 hours that we have there. But every now and then, there's a break in the flow, giving me a chance to actually listen (and not just be deafened by) what the neatly dressed guy on the mic is droning on about.

And as I listen, I am amazed at just how completely most people are taken in by the biggest myth in the world. God.

"Children" he says enthusiastically "God loves you! Don't be afraid when you're alone because God is with you. He is greater than anybody else in your lives."

"Can your parents come and sit with you during school time?"

- A big "NOOOOOOOO" in chorus.

"Can your teacher come and live with you at home?" (Daddy wishes.)

- Another big "NOOOOOOOOOO"

"But children, God is everywhere! In your class, in your home and in your heart."

I wondered then, if any of them were wondering "Then why does Daddy get drunk and beat Mommy?"

"Then why does Mommy cry every night?"

"Why's the teacher so nice to the girl with the nice clothes and big car and not to me?".

"If God's right next to me, then why doesn't he do something when Daddy comes into my room at night and hurts me like he does?"

Needless to say, I was disgusted.

As I looked around the huge hall at so many little faces, some engrossed, some indifferent, some asleep, I was afraid for them. Innocent minds, so impressionable, only eager to please and fit in are such fragile things.

When I send my children to school, I want them to learn to be kind, intelligent people, with questioning minds and an unshakeable belief in themselves.

I want them to learn it's okay to not do what everyone else is doing.

I want them to understand the power of logic and reasoning.

I want them also to know that sometimes, you just go with your gut.

I want them to learn to question everything (except Mommy)

I want them to be good, kind human beings because that's what humanity is about, not out of the fear of burning in hell for eternity.

I want them to be kind to animals and love the earth and the sky and the rain.

The way my children turn out, the kind of human beings they become, their lives ... are almost entirely in my hands.

That is, by far, the scariest thing in the world.

Monday, August 21, 2006


I wrote this a long time ago. Spruced it up just the tiniest bit.

What the hell is wrong with people?

Do they not see, can they not understand, have they not realized by now that the whole idea of "a blissful marriage" is a sham? A myth, a mirage, an illusion, a lie deviously convoluted by society to seem like it should be one of life's most important milestones, if not the singular most important one?

Two, I've had just two coffees since this morning.

Okay. So I have a paranoid fear of being ordinary.

I loathe the idea of conforming to ridiculous ideals, just because 'it is expected of me.'

But bear with me for a moment. Consider for a while, that I am not full of cow poo and that I might actually have a point:

I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent (Fuck you. All of you)

And being reasonably intelligent, it would take a reasonably intelligent person to stimulate me, attract and captivate me, miss me, existing just to kiss me .... uh, sorry. Melissa Etheridge moment. Bygones.

When I fall in love (again), I will have found a friend.

I will have 'met someone'.

I will be pre-occupied with him, sometimes at least.

I will want to buy him silly shit, like a bright pink Crazy Ball.

I will be giddy with lust.

I will want to share my life, in all its insanity, with him.

Now, why on earth would I want to take something as pure and as pretty as that and turn it into a fucking legal contract?

Because that's what marriage is. It's taking your love relationship, putting it on paper, declaring it to the world, making it palpable to The Village Elders and making it a LEGAL CONTRACT.


What that means is, if you wake up one morning and realize you've just spent the night (and the better part of your youth) with the wrong person, you're fucked. You can't just up and leave. You signed a contract, binding the two of you together, for life. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry.

So you just suck it in and take it in stride. I mean, how bad can it be? He does love you. He has a good, steady job. He probably doesn't cheat on you (or has probably perfected the art of not getting caught, which is fine by you because what you don't want to know anyway... what you don't know can't hurt you, right?). He can still get it up every now and then. Romance and excitement and laughter is for kids anyway. Marriage takes hard work and compromise. That's what you're doing. You're not just compromising, you're making your marriage work. Because just look at the alternative. The ugly "D" word *shudder*

I digress. What I'm trying to say is, whatever happened to the sanctity of a relationship? Relationships that transcend paper work and licenses and public approval? It's probably just me, but I think taking something as sacred as love and making it "protected by law" is just plain insulting. To everyone involved, you included.

Why would I want to keep someone that wants to leave, bound to me by a piece of paper he signed 10 (or 2) years ago? If the person you married doesn't want you anymore, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT HIM FOR? If he wants to go, he should be free to do so. Wouldn't it be worse if he stayed with you only for fear of the repercussions of wanting to leave?

And coming down to the nitty-gritty of it, what about the children? What if there are babies involved? What if you are left with 5 children, one salary and no trust fund? THAT'S when you bring in the law. Not to make him stay. He can fuck off, it's his money you want. Not for yourself, but for the children he helped make. He needs to know that he's responsible for them too. If it helps, sue him for everything he's worth. What law, you may ask. You're not even legally married.

You don't have to be legally married to prove the biological paternity (or maternity) of a child. And in most places in the world, the biological paternity (or maternity) of a child, is grounds enough for a lawsuit.

So there, sue yourselves silly.

But remember the assupmtion we made in the beginning? That of reasonable intelligence?
I would think, I would HOPE, that two intelligent people that no longer felt the same way about each other (let's face it, things WILL change - Thank you, O) and wanted live separate lives would let go with humanity and kindness and like G would say "basic human decency".

I dunno, I'm sure there are holes in my arguement. I haven't figured this out completely yet.

The only thing I know for sure is, if he ever wants to leave with my Crazy Ball, he'll be free to go.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Look

Another wedding, another make-up caked bride, another Thursday evening wasted.

I was PISSED off.

The mother of the bride was hospitable enough but she was unstoppable in her quest to be in every one of the 400 or so pictures I shot that night.

"Thake bigchar, my deeyar. Thake many bigchar. I laik thoo much bigchar." YES MA'AM

I looked around for the father of the bride, hoping he was a short, skinny speck of a man that would blow his wife's 5'9", well-endowed frame way out of proportion and give us something to snicker about back at the studio (yes, we are very bored people).

But alas, he was a tall, lanky man with a weathered face and kind eyes. BLEH, whatever.

It was time for the bride to make her grand entrance. How she was going to descend a full flight of NARROW ASS stairs with a dress that could've kept a small village dry during a rainstorm, was beyond me. Her sister informed me that she and her friends were going to helb her. One of them, standing behind the bride, in charge of the back end of the dress, was so helbful, that everyone remaining in the room as the bride made her exit, accidentally got a good view of white bridal buttock. Cotton panties, sensible.

Zalghoota! The old women howl with everything they have. Here comes the bride! Behind her, a trail of young women, one hand helping the bride with her dress, the other desperately trying to hold their own abayas closed, protecting their modesty.
Yeah right. I was there when they'd come up to wish the bride. They'd hurriedly shed their abayas and hijabs then, so that everyone could get a good look at their outfits. Modesty my big brown ass.

The bride finally reaches her seat far across the room from where her groom is sitting. The girls pick up the back of the dress and throw it over the back of the chair. She sits down gingerly. For some reason, the words "Little Miss Muffet" come to mind.

The place suddenly fell silent. I turned to see what had caused this very unusual occurrence. In walks bearded The High Priest, brown bisht and turban impeccable, followed closely by the father of the bride. He makes his way past the seated women and takes his own seat near the bride.

He says something to the room. The women reply in chorus. The bride's father takes his place on the other side of the priest and looks down into the book he is reading aloud from. From where I'm standing, I can see the bride's mother seated in the front row of women, across from the bride. I don't know what the priest is saying but the look on the father's face is intense as hangs on to every word the priest utters.

Then it happened. As if the gravity of the moment was too much for him to bear, the bride's father looked up, his brown eyes searching the crowd of women for that one familiar face. And then he found it. His wife looked back at him from where she sat and smiled reassuringly. His face softened and the corners of his mouth turned upward ever so slightly. They looked at each other a long time. Like there was nobody else in the room. I was mesmerized. So much was said with that one look they exchanged. Pride, relief, thanks, happiness, love.

His sweet brown eyes twinkled and she beamed back at him.

If I believed in marriages, that's what I'd want mine to be about.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I've been thinking ...

It'd been a good night.

As I lay basking contentedly in the afterglow of 3 brilliantly executed orgasms, my mind began to wander. He lay beside me, snoring loudly, tired and spent from his own 2 explosions.

I smiled to myself, thinking about how comforting the sound of his snoring was. I shifted my weight, lay my head on his chest and listened to him rumble like a big, warm, hibernating bear.

I felt very feminine then. It felt good to be a woman.

But it saddened me to think that so many women, through so many generations before mine, never experienced the powerful grip of a real orgasm. What a waste of woman!

A while back, I was at an Arab wedding. The ladies' party. The bride sat pretty, blushing and all made up in the middle of a room full of heavily bedecked, rejoicing women. Her mother and sisters hovered close by, making sure she was perfect. The older women shouted out chants of blessings and let out the occasional "wedding call" as I like to call it.

As I watched them, the grandmothers and great grandmothers of so many, I wondered "Do they even know what their bodies are (or were, at least) capable of?"

How would they feel if they learned now, that the sex didn't have to be a chore, an obligation, a duty they had to fulfill? That they could've experienced something so powerful and overwhelming and know the full potential of their sexuality? Perhaps some did. The bolder and more curious of the lot. But for most of them, it was just another thing they had to do. Like cooking and cleaning and getting the children dressed for school.

An elderly abaya-clad woman, probably in her late seventies stood up and hobbled towards the bride. The bride hugged her and kissed her wrinkled forehead and thanked her softly for her blessings. The woman went back to her seat at the far end of the room and sat down. A smile still lingered in the lines at the corner of her mouth. As I watched, her expression turned distant and serene and her eyes turned wistful. I knew what she was thinking. She was reminiscing about her own wedding day, probably much like this one, when she was the one sitting in the middle of the room.
Later that night, she was touched by a man for the first time in her life. She must've been so afraid and uncertain. Her mother had told her that a wife must always keep her husband pleased. But she had no idea what to expect.
It wasn't so bad. The pain had eventually subsided. The soreness was gone a few days after. Now, three sons, two daughters, and five grandchildren later, she still didn't understand why men made such a big deal about sex.

Through the ages, in most places around the world, the idea of sex was to be able to make children. The only thing required of a man, would be to impregnate her with his seed. Go forth and multiply!

Of course, he loved it. He would orgasm inside her, and his job was done. Forget foreplay, forget her needs and female ejaculation? Don't be ridiculous!

It's tougher for men today. Keeping a woman that is aware of her bodily needs satisfied, can be a daunting task. But do it successfully, and you've earned a whole new kind of respect *gleam*
Women now know what they can expect and they expect it. You don't make love to a woman anymore, you make love with her.

My bear had stopped snoring. I looked up to see if he was awake, hoping I hadn't disturbed him. He was still fast asleep. He looked so peaceful and so honest. I was tempted to kiss him awake. But I resisted and let him sleep.

He'd earned it.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


I don't know why people don't like catching colds.

I've decided it's one of the funnest things that could happen to you.

Oh well, to me at least.

I love being sneezy and honky all day.

Clogged nasal passages and dry, flaky burning nostrils are da bom!

Nothing is more alluring and sexy than watery, bloodshot eyes and a voice that sounds like Pee Wee Herman.

It's so fucking cool when your cough keeps you up all night and your face hurts every time you laugh even.

The best of all, is trying to talk in the morning and ending up sounding like a Howler Monkey during mating season.

See, my darling obsessed bich? At least I'm not always cribbing. It's not my style *twinkle*

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Toying with trouble.

I'm going to try something today. A sociology experiment of sorts (Thank you, girl that "removes different voice only")

What I'm going try and do is this:

I am not going to tell a single lie all of today.

Not even a tiny one. Not a white one, not even a necessary one. Not in a box, not for a fox, not with Courtney Cox's socks.

I'm curious to see how 100% brutal honesty goes down.

"Yes, you have put on weight."

"Your new shirt looks like a curtain from an Egyptian brothel."

"No, you will never find someone."

"You are full of shit ... sir."

If I am never heard from again after today, my green anaconda goes to the boy with the runny nose.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Burning Desire.

I was bored out of my mind today.

When I say "out of my mind" I don't just mean "very" bored.

No, no, no, no, no, no, NO NO NO... NO!

When I say "out of my mind", I mean "totally maniacal, raving lunatic, fucking crackpot, certifiably demented, criminally insane" bored.

Know what I mean? (If you do, get help... now.)

Okay, so the situation was complicated by unusually (not really unusual) high levels of oestrogen...the first thought I had today was "Burn".

My past fantasies of spontaneous self-combustion notwithstanding, as of today, I have a new found empathy for arsonists, serial or otherwise.

I can understand now, to a certain degree at least, why somebody would want to take a match to something, watch it go up in flames, disintegrate into nothing and just stare at it so long, your eyes burnt, your skin turned hot and your head felt like it was going to burst.

Boredom and Oestrogen don't go together very well.

It all started with the workplace being so cold, my nipples wouldn't stop pointing. Through my bra, vest AND shirt of reasonable thickness. It occured to me then that the only way I was going to warm up was by setting myself on fire. From there, it was just one endless, downward spiral into criminal insanity.

The fact that in reality, I couldn't light a candle without making sure I knew where the nearest extinguisher was, shouldn't matter.

Truth is, boredom and the slow-pacedness of the day allowed for some idle mind-wandering. The direction it took was influenced by raging girlmones but then again, they always quiet down eventually, don't they?

Please don't be scared.

I'm harmless. Really.

I like puppies.