Ow

For some unfathomable reason, all of last week, I was filled with a perverse need for self-inflicted pain.

And I do not mean the "Ooh-that-stings" kind of pain.

What I'm talking about here, is the "HOLY-MOTHER-OF-GOD-WHAT-THE-FUCK-WAS-I-THINKING-SOMEONE
-PLEASE-SHOOT-ME-IN-THE-HEAD" kind of pain.


I learnt some very valuable lessons too. Among other things:

1. There are no winners of the Ouch game.

2. Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING, not even death, can make a Brazilian wax less painful.

3. Learn from your mistakes. Leave people's phones alone. Some messages are better left unread.

Sheep

For the past two days, we've been working on something that requires us to be present at a 3 day long, worship workshop sorta deal for school children.

We don't participate, we just work alongside the actual arena, providing them with a supplementary service which has nothing to do with God.

We work at a hectic pace, trying to finish as much as we can in the 2 hours that we have there. But every now and then, there's a break in the flow, giving me a chance to actually listen (and not just be deafened by) what the neatly dressed guy on the mic is droning on about.

And as I listen, I am amazed at just how completely most people are taken in by the biggest myth in the world. God.

"Children" he says enthusiastically "God loves you! Don't be afraid when you're alone because God is with you. He is greater than anybody else in your lives."

"Can your parents come and sit with you during school time?"

- A big "NOOOOOOOO" in chorus.

"Can your teacher come and live with you at home?" (Daddy wishes.)

- Another big "NOOOOOOOOOO"

"But children, God is everywhere! In your class, in your home and in your heart."

I wondered then, if any of them were wondering "Then why does Daddy get drunk and beat Mommy?"

"Then why does Mommy cry every night?"

"Why's the teacher so nice to the girl with the nice clothes and big car and not to me?".

"If God's right next to me, then why doesn't he do something when Daddy comes into my room at night and hurts me like he does?"

Needless to say, I was disgusted.

As I looked around the huge hall at so many little faces, some engrossed, some indifferent, some asleep, I was afraid for them. Innocent minds, so impressionable, only eager to please and fit in are such fragile things.

When I send my children to school, I want them to learn to be kind, intelligent people, with questioning minds and an unshakeable belief in themselves.

I want them to learn it's okay to not do what everyone else is doing.

I want them to understand the power of logic and reasoning.

I want them also to know that sometimes, you just go with your gut.

I want them to learn to question everything (except Mommy)

I want them to be good, kind human beings because that's what humanity is about, not out of the fear of burning in hell for eternity.

I want them to be kind to animals and love the earth and the sky and the rain.

The way my children turn out, the kind of human beings they become, their lives ... are almost entirely in my hands.

That is, by far, the scariest thing in the world.

Rant

I wrote this a long time ago. Spruced it up just the tiniest bit.

What the hell is wrong with people?

Do they not see, can they not understand, have they not realized by now that the whole idea of "a blissful marriage" is a sham? A myth, a mirage, an illusion, a lie deviously convoluted by society to seem like it should be one of life's most important milestones, if not the singular most important one?

Two, I've had just two coffees since this morning.

Okay. So I have a paranoid fear of being ordinary.

I loathe the idea of conforming to ridiculous ideals, just because 'it is expected of me.'

But bear with me for a moment. Consider for a while, that I am not full of cow poo and that I might actually have a point:

I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent (Fuck you. All of you)

And being reasonably intelligent, it would take a reasonably intelligent person to stimulate me, attract and captivate me, miss me, existing just to kiss me .... uh, sorry. Melissa Etheridge moment. Bygones.

When I fall in love (again), I will have found a friend.

I will have 'met someone'.

I will be pre-occupied with him, sometimes at least.

I will want to buy him silly shit, like a bright pink Crazy Ball.

I will be giddy with lust.

I will want to share my life, in all its insanity, with him.

Now, why on earth would I want to take something as pure and as pretty as that and turn it into a fucking legal contract?

Because that's what marriage is. It's taking your love relationship, putting it on paper, declaring it to the world, making it palpable to The Village Elders and making it a LEGAL CONTRACT.

LEGAL, as in UPHELD BY LAW.

What that means is, if you wake up one morning and realize you've just spent the night (and the better part of your youth) with the wrong person, you're fucked. You can't just up and leave. You signed a contract, binding the two of you together, for life. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry.

So you just suck it in and take it in stride. I mean, how bad can it be? He does love you. He has a good, steady job. He probably doesn't cheat on you (or has probably perfected the art of not getting caught, which is fine by you because what you don't want to know anyway... what you don't know can't hurt you, right?). He can still get it up every now and then. Romance and excitement and laughter is for kids anyway. Marriage takes hard work and compromise. That's what you're doing. You're not just compromising, you're making your marriage work. Because just look at the alternative. The ugly "D" word *shudder*

I digress. What I'm trying to say is, whatever happened to the sanctity of a relationship? Relationships that transcend paper work and licenses and public approval? It's probably just me, but I think taking something as sacred as love and making it "protected by law" is just plain insulting. To everyone involved, you included.

Why would I want to keep someone that wants to leave, bound to me by a piece of paper he signed 10 (or 2) years ago? If the person you married doesn't want you anymore, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT HIM FOR? If he wants to go, he should be free to do so. Wouldn't it be worse if he stayed with you only for fear of the repercussions of wanting to leave?

And coming down to the nitty-gritty of it, what about the children? What if there are babies involved? What if you are left with 5 children, one salary and no trust fund? THAT'S when you bring in the law. Not to make him stay. He can fuck off, it's his money you want. Not for yourself, but for the children he helped make. He needs to know that he's responsible for them too. If it helps, sue him for everything he's worth. What law, you may ask. You're not even legally married.

You don't have to be legally married to prove the biological paternity (or maternity) of a child. And in most places in the world, the biological paternity (or maternity) of a child, is grounds enough for a lawsuit.

So there, sue yourselves silly.

But remember the assupmtion we made in the beginning? That of reasonable intelligence?
I would think, I would HOPE, that two intelligent people that no longer felt the same way about each other (let's face it, things WILL change - Thank you, O) and wanted live separate lives would let go with humanity and kindness and like G would say "basic human decency".

I dunno, I'm sure there are holes in my arguement. I haven't figured this out completely yet.

The only thing I know for sure is, if he ever wants to leave with my Crazy Ball, he'll be free to go.