Saturday, November 03, 2007

The Waxing Post

I knew I would be writing this post one day. And apparently, that day is today.

WARNING:

What you are about to read contains very graphic details about the female anatomy, and the things that are done to it in the name of vanity. If you are squeamish about things like vaginas and pubic hair removal, you're a wuss - but don't say I didn't warn you.

No, we can't just shave. Why? Because

1) You have to do it yourself. And, unless you're a champion contortionist, there are spots that ARE hard to reach. It's easier to have it done for you by someone you're comfortable with. Very, VERY comfortable with.

2) Regrowth is itchy and poky. It's like having a man's stubbly chin in your panties for a week. And although that might work for some girls (and boys), it's really not my thing.

And the chemicals in depilatory creams just burn like a motherfucker. Temporary pain I can handle. A burny, itchy rash that's 10 times worse than a yeast infection and lasts twice as long, I refuse to deal with.

So what do I do? I wax. Correction, I have it waxed off. I'm sure the thought of having your pubic hair ripped from its roots with a ball of cold, sticky goo by another person is completely mind-numbing to most of you, but it's really not that bad.

All you need is a beautician you can trust, balls of steel and no shame whatsoever. Then, you leave your dignity at the door, get naked waist-down and think happy thoughts.

While you're lying there, with your legs spread wide, birthing style, having the fuck waxed out of your nether region, hating life, womanhood, men, personal hygiene, oestrogen, testosterone, puberty, hair, people, ducks, your parents and every man that's ever touched you, thinking that maybe permanent celibacy isn't such a bad thing after all, memorizing every ceiling pattern above you, you will feel pain.

Even though this pain lasts a few seconds after every rip, it is pain beyond anything the human brain can ever comprehend. It is impossible to try and describe the magnitude of this pain and fall miserably short in accuracy. And if your beautician *REALLY* wants to fuck with your head, she'll make you hold yourself open so she can get to the delicate insides. And you don't argue with the person standing over you on a waxing table. No, never.

And just when you think it's over, just when you've managed to drag yourself back from the brink of unconsciousness, just when you lift your head up off the table, look down at yourself and to your boundless joy can see not a single hair left and your wa-wa looking red and hairless like a newborn puppy, she'll say with a gleam in her eye and a low, ominous voice "Turn."


I would like it to be known that even though I cannot sit right for at least 24 hours after I put myself through the above, I wouldn't have it any other way. There's nothing that feels quite as sensual as a silky smooth, hairless foofie and once you get used to the pain, it is actually quite enjoyable.

28 comments:

Intlxpatr said...

OMG, this is one of the funniest posts I have ever read, but so graphic that I think I will have trouble sitting just from reading it!

I've seen women going through this in the salons. Your post confirms my worst fears. Holy smokes, you go through this and don't scream? Wow.

Pinky said...

I feel your pain!!! Off to the Salon today!

Stinni said...

Hilarious.

chikapappi said...

LOL!! I would never dare right that.. I feel ya! :) Hehehe! CRAZY!

'grey' said...

One womans 'graphic pain' aother mans *drool* ... keep em coming !

Awesome ! * read again*

Ri said...

intlxpatr,

Greetings and salutations. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause you any discomfort. But at least now, you know what's going on behind that closed door in the salon when you hear howls of agony. And no, I don't scream. I'm too proud to scream.

pinky,

MOAR POWAR 2 U, GRLFRAN!

Stinni,

But c'est the truth!

Chika,

Like I said, balls of steel, baby *fleX*

Ri said...

Grey,

It's not just about the men. Stop being so full of yourselves *hiss*

enigma said...

LOOOOL u know it's not THAT bad! :P I can think of a place that hurts more ;(

Just laser it off u pussy

Ri said...

Enigma,

HURTS MORE THAN HAVING YOUR GENITAL AREA WAXED? GOOD GOD, TELL ME WHERE!

Are you sure you're not referring to the same place?

Lasering is for pussies.
I do it the old fashioned way, like a real man would.
I should just laser it off, shouldn't I? *does some research*

Thank you.

This Lady Says said...

:/

U have dared to express what 99.9% of us girls can never DARE to write!

Kudos, girl!

lool at grey! I knew at some point a guy was going to actually 'enjoy' this post!

btw enigma is right. laser!

shoosha said...

7ADDA LASER!!
you preform every position possible baas you'll see an instant change from session to session!

Ri said...

This lady,

Thank you kindly. It never struck me that a man would actually LIKE reading about this. Most men that I try to explain this stuff to just hold their ears and go "LALALALALALALA"

Shoosh,

I'm definitely going to look into the whole laser thing. If they can just zap it off, then there's nothing like it.

Jewaira said...

You shameless hussy! :P

You can laser it off but there is no feeling that compares to the joy after going through that pain.

It hurts so good

Anonymous said...

Some sadistic pleasure you guys, I mean, you gals, enjoy here..arghhh!
c;)

KI said...

I actually agree with RI. A lesser sacrifice for a greater good. As long as it feels good ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. I prefer trimmed myself, but each to their own.

Ri said...

J, you know you love me :D
It's good to be got.

Anonymous 1,
The pleasure comes after it's all off my dear boy/girl/~. And that, be sure, is far, FAR from sadistic.

KI,
Darling, you're biased. You agree with almost anything I say :D

Anonymous 2,
It really ISN'T just about what the boys prefer.

Anonymous said...

when u laser down there do you take ur panties off? cause i was told to leave em on and they only did the top part right, the rest no diff

Me Mama said...

i laav the foofie wax.. i feel every word and letter of yours.. lol .. i laav you for what we share bebeh .. hahaha ..

jeana said...

happy in d poopyy:D mwah liliaaa

Ri said...

Mama,

Love you back, bebbeh. We are bonded for life, by the power of the poopie.

Jeana,

You make me happy, everywhere. *kiss* Jeangreen.

♀ L's brain ♀ said...

Hahaha! I hate to agree with 'grey' but AWESOME *reads again* HA ha!

Ri! don't laser! what if your partner was craving a trimmed wa-wa! what would u say to her? There are no wigs yet for wa-was! :P

♀ L's brain ♀ said...

Her = her/him

Ri said...

L's Brain,

Then all he (or she :P) would have to do is wait till a little after "the loofah stage".

Dyke In Saudi said...

LOOOOL!
I got linked here from a friend of mine to this post and I LOVE it!

Hilarious! I have yet to try that experience.

your blog rocks! :D

Ri said...

Dyke In Saudi,

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it :D

And if you're thinking of trying it out, good luck, girl.

You're going to need it. BADLY.

Desert Rider said...

Waxing is a pain.....thank god !!!! laser is great....Now adays in kuwait the charges has come down......

It is a pleasure to have the whole body lasered....and have a smooth body

Ri said...

'Pain' is an understatement. And laser is probably the better way to go. But I doubt it's half as fun has putting yourself through a thorough Brazilian wax *chuckle*